Old Friends

I have a 27 year old thoroughbred gelding named Johnny. I got Johnny when I was 16, and brought him through college and to Ohio when I moved from Minnesota.

I've seen animals get old and die, and I know that's what's happening to Johnny. Some years ago he got EPM. It's gone, but he had residual damage that left him unridable. He was my best friend; he cared for me, loved me, took care of me, and was always, always, no matter what, there for me. Even when nobody else seemed to be.

These days, I've noticed him slowing down more and more. He probably has less than a year left. I've mostly been just feeding him and letting him be a horse in the pasture. I know he deserves a good retirement with his friends. But I think sometimes I forget that he needs time with all of his friends in his last months. Including me.

It's not easy for me. I can say what IS easy---just letting him hang out with Winsome and the two mares in the pasture all day, waiting for him to die. What isn't easy is actually spending time with him. The memories come back quickly, saturating every corner of my mind with the things we've done together, the times we've spent together, and the times he's been there for me when I felt like my world was falling apart. And that's what happened today.

I'd meant to take out Winsome, the two year old. But I had a pear and I knew Johnny liked pears, and besides, he was up at the barn when everyone else was far away, grazing. So I took him out. He came willingly, which is unusual for his stubborn self. He learned years and years before I owned him that if he just stands still, no amount of pulling can make me make him budge. So the fact that he came along so easily meant that he wanted to spend that time with me.

I got him out and tied him to the horse trailer, and started grooming him. Seeing how stiff and slowly he moved made me sad. I noticed just now much his topline had worsened---it had been probably a month since I'd really spent any time with him. He put his head down so I could comb out his forelock with my fingers, and he gave me a pleased look when I scratched his belly. He tried very hard to pick up his feet for me to pick them, although the residual damage from the EPM made it hard for him to lift one of his hind legs. Although I felt sad, I wasn't prepared to fall apart like I did.

I stood on the horse trailer to reach his back. It was at that moment, looking down at his old, swayed, bay back, once so sturdy and so well muscled and so conditioned from riding for hours every day, that I just lost it. I started crying so hard that I went blind from the tears; even now I am having a hard time typing thinking about it. His back, now so swayed and old, was still so ingrained in my memory that I would have recognized it anywhere. His once so beautiful, powerful, forgiving back. His back, which I rode bareback on for miles and miles. The view I had from there, looking up his neck to the tip of his ears, which stretched so far out in front of me. The feeling of safety and power and speed that I had...all of those things came back all at once and so quickly overwhelmed me that before I knew what had happened, I was sobbing hysterically, hugging my horse's back and stroking his mane. My best friend, my confidant...the truest, deepest love I have ever known for any living thing. My Johnny. My whole wide world when I was a teenager. My horse, who took me away when the world hurt too much for me to handle. My friend, who knew my deepest secrets and never told. My love, who trusted me no matter what, even when he was hurting and to him it probably made it seem like I was only hurting him worse. He needed me as much as I needed him, and when we both realized that, we were loyal only to eachother. I sincerely thought I would ride Johnny every day until he died. And I would have, if not for the EPM. He was my horse. He was one of those rare horses that you feel is truely yours. I've owned several horses. Johnny was truely all mine.

Winsome is 2, and he'll someday replace Johnny. I have a bond with Winsome unlike any horse I've ever known. I've raised Winsome from birth and he'll someday take Johnny's place in those respects. He can't replace Johnny's memories, and there are things that Johnny did for me that Winsome will never be able to do for me, although I don't doubt that Winsome will care for me in the future the way Johnny has in the past. I spend hours and hours every week with Winsome, just because I enjoy looking forward to our next 20 or more years together.

But today reminded me that even when you have new friends, it's so important not to forget about your old ones. They're the ones that have taken care of you and loved you for ever, no matter what. They've forgiven you over and over, even when you never forgave yourself. I don't love Winsome any less after that realization. I know one day he'll be the same old friend I'm talking about now. But I did reaize that I can't just stop loving those I had before. They mean just as much to me now as they ever did, even if I don't think about them as much. Because even though I thought I'd mentally prepared myself for Johnny's departure, I realized today that it's going to hurt more than I ever imagined.

Trying new things

It's been some time since I've updated.

One thing I've found that really has helped me with my confidence is finding the right saddle to ride in. I had been riding my paint mare in a child sized western saddle, and every time she did something silly I'd fall off. Last time I hurt my knee pretty badly. The seat size was fine for the saddle, but the stirrup length was just too short. So I did some research and bought an Abetta endurance saddle with a memory foam seat (Abetta Trinity). It's amazing how much that's helped! Not only do I feel secure, but it's super cushioned. I haven't come off once since I bought it. I left it at the trainer's stable for a week and it's too bad I'm not an Abetta rep, because I sold three of them. Just to brag a little, I didn't even feel my hear rate raise when I was trotting my horse around the arena and he tripped and fell to his knees. It just felt like I was going down an incline.

I really want to ride English, but right now I just need help getting my confidence back. My next transition will probably be to more of an English style endurance saddle. And as much as I love my limited edition Crosby saddle, I think I'm done using it. It's just too slick for the type of horses I ride.

So now I'm enjoying riding a lot more (doing more cantering and jumping), and have a lot more stability. I feel like I can't fall out of my saddle, which has done wonders for my ability. I didn't realize just how important this was, but it makes sense...I have a fear of falling off, and now I have something that helps me keep from falling off. Of course, that comes with lessons 2-3 days/week, too.

Well, off for the weekend. Keep riding!